How to Set Boundaries. And Stick to Them.
Image taken from The Literary Witches Oracle, written by Taisia Kitaiskaia, illustrated by Katy Horan, published by Clarkson Potter.
You’re on the hamster wheel again. Somebody is consistently behaving unacceptably, and you are consistently not dealing with it. It might feel like not knowing how to deal with it. It might feel like overwhelm at the thought of action. It’s all just fear disguised as other stuff.
One thing is certain: it does not feel good.
The problem with allowing other people to treat you like shit, is that it erodes your self esteem, and as time goes by, makes it even harder to push back.
You need to make some boundaries.
Building a Wall.
A common mistake with boundary creation is that you’re shutting somebody off, or cutting them out of your life. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
In fact, often, creating boundaries can make reparations in otherwise hurting relationships. Because the truth is, creating a boundary is simply a form of communication. And any kind of communication building is beneficial.
Examples.
Let’s take a look at a couple of situations where we need to set some boundaries.
A friend stops by your house often, unannounced.
If you’re like me (and not everybody is), you like to know in advance if somebody is coming by. During these pandemic times it’s crucial, but in the before times, I did not like to be caught off guard by surprise visits. There are a bunch of reasons for this: I might not be dressed, I might be in the middle of something and not want to be interrupted. It’s likely not a big deal, but if somebody in your life is doing it consistently, it’s going to create tension. And you have options:
1. You could just not answer the door. This works obviously, but doesn’t solve the actual problem.
2. Let your friend know that you love to visit, but that you like to get a heads up in advance to make sure you’re not in the middle of something. Do it either the next time they stop by, or by phone. Never text. So much can be lost in translation through texting, and if this is a friendship worth keeping, it’s important to set your boundary properly. This might sting your friend for about 10 seconds, because boundaries don’t always feel great right away, but over time, it will ensure that your friendship remains strong as each person knows where they stand. And let’s face it, we all know when something is bugging the other person, and passive aggressive behaviour (instead of simply dealing with a situation head on) is never helpful.
A colleague frequently stops by your desk and starts talking, regardless of what you’re doing.
You’re trying to get work done, and this colleague wants to vent. Without checking to see if you’re free, and without an awareness of bringing their negative energy into your midst, they come in, interrupt and dump, leaving you off track and frustrated. This definitely needs to be addressed.
The first thing you want to do is be clear about why their behaviour is inappropriate. As opposed to a friendship, a professional relationship can be managed in clear directives. And again, as opposed to a personal friendship, this can be managed by email or in person, depending on how much emotional investment you care to expend. For example, if you decide to handle this electronically, it could be easily solved with a simple email:
“Hi Tim,
I’ve noticed over the past few weeks that you’ve been coming by my desk to vent. Often, I’m pretty busy with a work problem, and your venting interrupts me and leaves my office filled with negativity. I’m happy to discuss professional work matters with you (I’m not interested in gossip), but please schedule something in advance or check in to see if I’m in the middle of something.Thanks for understanding,
Megan.”
It’s clear, it’s specific, and it’s got zero emojis to “soften the blow”. There is no need to apologize for your professional boundary, and it’s not your problem if the other person hasn’t figured out their error on their own. The same situation can be handled in person, in the moment they arrive at your desk. “Tim, I have to stop you here. I’m very busy, and to be honest, I’m not interested in gossiping.” Usually that will be enough to send a clear message to the other person.
Sexual Harassment/Racism/Hate Speech
I have a zero tolerance rule for this shit. And I will call it out whenever I see it. That is my boundary. Sometimes this can be difficult (like the time I had to shut down hate speech at work) or complicated, but you need to know who you are and what you tolerate, and you have to find your inner courage to take a stand. See below about the 4 principles of speaking to learn how.
Aggression
At an old job of mine, I dealt with a fair amount of aggression from people who were higher up the food chain than myself. It often wasn’t because of something I did, but it may as well have been since the energy and force could throw off my whole day.
If you’ve worked with me before, you’re likely familiar with this story, but one day, a woman who would consistently come to my desk frazzled and having an emotional outburst about something, showed up ranting. By this point, I was really over it. So I stood up, and rolled into Alexander position (which is step 1 of my 4 part speaking system, found in my free guide - if you don’t have it, yet, grab it here). I watched her eyes become confused, and she stopped yelling and became momentarily stunned. (I’m really not making this up.)
It instantly changed the power dynamic and created a pretty strong boundary. She softened, began to speak in a more controlled and appropriate tone, and from that point forward, I never had an issue with her again.
Yelling
Similar to the example above, another woman once yelled at me for something I didn’t do (which she knew). But she wanted to vent, and I was there. The second time it happened, in the middle of her yelling, I said “I’m not going to stay here while you yell. I’m leaving, and if you want to speak to me about this, you can come to my desk when you’re more calm.”
This woman was very very high up the chain of command. But I very much knew that I wasn’t going to listen to that bullshit.
Was I scared? Sort of. Was it empowering? Fuck yes.
Because here’s the thing: I’m standing up for myself. I’m setting my rules for engagement. They are absolutely appropriate, and despite our differences on the command chain, I’m within my rights to not get yelled at.
But how do you do it? How do you find the courage, how do you set your boundary with enough power that the other person accepts it? Read on.
The 4 Principles (found in my free speaking guide)
These are my basics, and they are essential for face to face boundary communication.
Standing. Using Alexander Technique, stand tall and full, grounded and strong. (Even just getting into that position can make you feel physically powerful, which can help bolster your bravery.)
Breathing. Stay calm by practising controlled breathing, and take deep breaths to support your voice.
Speaking. This is definitely a time to bust out your full, optimum pitch, resonant voice that you’ve been practising.
Reading. Sometimes writing out your words ahead of time can make it much easier to speak in a difficult situation. Think about what you want to say, craft it with the exact words you want to use, the use text mapping to memorize it.
Stick to Them.
Sometimes, people don’t like boundaries. They might feel put out and might try to revert back to their bad behaviour to push you. (This could be because they feel embarrassed, they don’t like being told what to do, or they don’t feel like it’s your place to give them a directive.) Don’t allow this. Because if you set a boundary, and then cave because it’s uncomfortable, you are doing yourself a disservice, and your self worth will take a hit. And we can’t have that.
Remind them that you’ve set a boundary, and if they continue to push, take the next actionable step. Report them at work. If you need to, get a restraining order. These are extreme cases, but sometimes you find yourself in extreme circumstances, and taking action is the only form of recourse. Typically, setting your boundary is enough, but if need be, move it up to the next level of authority.
Inappropriate Boundaries.
Other people are not responsible for your shit. Let’s repeat that: other people are not responsible for your problems. Boundaries are not a free ticket to be controlling. Before you create a boundary with somebody, it must be reasonable, it must adhere to common rules of engagement and it must be from a place of your own self empowerment, not avoidance of something unpleasant.
Some examples include:
Telling your partner who they may or may not speak to. You might feel uncomfortable about your husband talking to other women at work, but that is your own inner stuff to deal with, and not his. This would be an example of controlling behaviour. Not to be confused with times when it IS appropriate to check in if their relationship feels like it’s developing into something else.
You can absolutely disengage from a situation at work where somebody is yelling at you, but you’re not free to create boundaries to avoid discomfort. For example, avoiding dealing with conflict or avoiding taking a meeting to discuss something uncomfortable (like a work evaluation). An evaluation might be difficult for you, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. And it also doesn’t mean that your boss is doing something to you.
Be very mindful of the power dynamic in relationships, and if you hold more power, there is more responsibility on your part to do the right thing, and not take advantage. Situations like this include: caregiver/child, teacher/student, boss/employee and in my case, coach/client. Take care to remember that even though you can, doesn’t mean you should.
I would love to know how you feel about boundaries. Are you good at setting them? Do you have any great tips to add below? Let me know in the comments!
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