Say No. And Mean It.

You know what Step 1 is, right?

Yeah, you do. Because most of us can say the word “no”.

But then when there’s pushback… what happens?

Before we get really going, check out this post I wrote about “How to Set Boundaries. And Stick to Them.” Because “no” is a boundary, and I lay it all out in that post.

Use The Principles (Step 1)

(Said in Obi Wan Kenobi’s voice.)

Don’t even start until sure you’re familiar with the 4 elements that I refer to all of the time, and that are outlined in the blog post mentioned above. 1. Standing, 2. Breathing, 3. Speaking, 4. Reading.

Because they are the skeleton you’ll need for the presentation of the No.

Be Crystal Clear

As women, or people pleasers, saying no can feel excruciating. We want to be everything to everyone. We probably have been, and creating boundaries around that is hard. But it’s also necessary. Because the truth is: we actually can’t be everything for everyone. We’ll just be luke warm weak tea versions of everything. Yuck.

And sometimes… saying yes… is simply a stall tactic away from pushing ourselves forward. (Ouch. Sorry.)

But once you’ve decided that you’re going for it, you have to get clear. Why is this a no for you? Why would it impede you? How does it conflict with your personal boundaries? What would you be giving up if you said yes? What are the balances here?

If you don’t know in the moment, ask for more time.

This step is crucial for your mindset, and for holding your ground. Here’s the truth: when you value yourself, when you truly value yourself, it’s not so hard to say no. You know who you are, what you want, and how people can treat you. You’ve also likely developed a great deal of compassion for others because to truly know yourself, you’ve also had to develop compassion for yourself. It’s a win/win (even though the journey can be tough).

Want to know more about this? Check out another free resource called Me and My Shadow.

Understand the Repercussions

So it’s one thing to get really clear on why you want to say no to something, or somebody. It’s a whole other thing to understand what will come back to you, and how you have to armour up to sustain your choice.

The repercussions could mean: a fallout in a friendship; a relationship ending; not getting a job; creating a volatile work environment; losing a client.

And ultimately, you get to decide on what is more important to you. And it will all depend on your values, your sense of yourself, and the specific circumstances of your life in this moment. (For example, if you’ve got a year’s worth of savings, a partner who is gainfully employed, a house, you might feel more comfortable saying no to your boss, even if it means potentially losing your job. If you’re broke and a single Mom, that’s going to look a lot different.)

*It’s always worth noting that for some, the repercussions of saying no, can equal violence. Emotional and physical abuse. I am referring to decidedly different scenarios (saying no to extra work from your boss, saying no to your partner’s emotional labour drain, etc.). And if this is you, please do whatever you need to stay safe, and I hope you’re able to find support.*

And if this isn’t you, take a moment of gratitude.

Map It Out

If this is a particularly difficult or sticky situation, make a map ahead of time so that you can see in advance (as best as we ever can) how everything might unfold. Essentially what you’re trying to do ahead of time is decide how you’re going to respond to the backlash. It could look like this:

Person A says x, I say y.

Person A says z, I don’t respond.

Person A does t, I contact u.

More often than not, saying no is simply a matter of (as outlined in the Boundaries blog post linked above) being clear on what you want to say and how you’re going to say it (using the 4 elements to deliver clearly and with authority).

But sometimes, your no is a Pretty Big Deal in terms of pushing back, and so the ramifications might be stressful. Knowing how you want to respond to as many possible outcomes as you can come up with, will alleviate the pressure of thinking in the moment when you’re under a fair amount of stress.

Practise

Honestly, treat this like you would a speech or a presentation. Try to come up with the other person’s responses, and craft your answers. And then practise them! To a mirror, on your phone, to a trusted friend.

We’re obviously not going to do this for every single thing we have to say no to, but there are some that are more difficult than others, and preparing for them means a greater chance for your personal success. Because…

You’re Worth It

Ultimately, it boils down to you. You’ve got to value yourself, know yourself, and be very clear about your boundaries and what you want. In the moment, a couple of months from now, a year from now.

Sometimes we have to say no to prove to ourselves that we can.

Sometimes we have to say no because saying yes means putting ourselves in a highly negative situation, even when the ramifications are great (like losing your job, for example).

You get to pick. You get to assess. And you get to value yourself enough to make the right decision for you, taking all things into consideration.

And when you value and trust yourself, and you’re prepared, you can do anything.

Tell me what you think - is it hard for you to say no? Where do you think that comes from? Anything within this blog help break up that internal dialogue a bit? Anything I missed? Let me know in the comments below!

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