Assertive Vs. Aggressive
A few weeks ago I started to notice a trend - really aggressive behaviour on social media, usually from women, and quite outside of character (or whatever I’d come to observe about them).
As it continued, I wondered what the heck was going on…
And then it hit me! And I cheered!
These were women speaking up about something for the first time, and trying out being assertive. Which is amazing.
However, it was coming across as aggressive… which was likely not their intent.
I posted this on Twitter: “In case you needed a reminder, being assertive does not have to mean being aggressive. Sometimes there’s a learning curve, but eventually, you realize that the aggression is your ow nervous energy, and the more you practise, the more comfortable (and compassionate) you can be.)
I took a screen shot and posted it to Instagram where it got more traction in the first couple of hours than I can see in days sometimes. I knew I was on to something!
And then a day or so later, Shannan Monson (a business personality that I follow) posted this.
Clearly we need a deep dive!
I Don’t Want to be a Bitch!
I am not a fan of the B word. It’s gendered and pointed, and I much prefer “asshole”, which we can use universally for everyone. However, this is a really common fear of women that I coach when we talk about speaking up more. They don’t want to be:
a bitch
a nag
bossy
a shrieking banshee
or, aggressive.
We are so conditioned to think that we can either be one of two things: a pushover, or an angry dictator.
Trying On Hats
I don’t want to be flippant about how difficult it can be to change your behaviour, and I don’t want to pretend like it’s always a smooth transition.
Just like we can’t pick up a saxophone for the first time and call ourselves Kenny G, we aren’t going to go from yes yes yes to “let me think about it” overnight. Instead it might look like this:
You’re in charge of putting together quarterly statements, but one of your colleagues always gets his numbers to you late, which means you’re constantly handing in the finished report late.
Your old emails would look like this: “Hi Tom, I was wondering how the numbers are looking for the quarterly report? Thanks!” He replies: “I’m still working on them and will get them to you asap”. You reply “Great! Thanks so much!” And they’re still late.
So, now that we’re practising being assertive, it might look like this: “Tom. I need the numbers yesterday.” He replies “Hey, I’m still working on them and will get them to you asap.” You reply “End of the day.”
Now. Is this going to make Tom get you the numbers more promptly? Time will tell. But this is still avoidant behaviour and tips the scales toward aggressive.
A better, more aligned and possibly more effective communication model could be:
“Hi Tom. I need the quarterly numbers by 2pm today so that I can get the report in on time.” He replies “Hey, I’m still working on them and will get them to you asap.” Your reply: “Thanks - I need to know if they’ll be ready by 2pm.” Depending on his reply, you can then remind him that the numbers have been perpetually late and ask him for a plan to remedy that.
That went from aggressive to assertive.
What’s the Difference?
Think of it this way. If you’re comfortable in your own skin and confident about what you need, you’re simply stating those things in your behaviour and words.
But if you’re uncomfortable in your skin and trying to put on a confidence mask, it’s going to come out awkward and likely aggressive.
Aggressive behaviour usually happens when you don’t believe you’re going to get what you want/need. Assertive behaviour usually happens when you trust that who you are warrants how others will treat you. Assertive behaviour is generally not performative. Nor does it come from a place of anger.
So again, that’s not an overnight shift. That takes practise!
How Can I Practise?
I am a huge fan of memorizing a few key words and phrases to use as you shift your mindset and grow into your new way of thinking. Here are a few: “That’s not going to work, so let’s do it this way.” “You’ve been interrupting me and I’d like to get my point across. I’m happy to answer questions when I’m finished.” “That’s not part of my job purview, and I can’t manage any favours right now.”
Role play with your phone. There will be certain ongoing exchanges that happen over and over that you want to change. Think about what the other person will say, and practise your delivery into your phone. Work to embody why you need this to change so that you remember how important it is. Practise by recording your answers and watch them back. Worth remembering: you’re not always going to be the best judge if you’re afraid of hurting peoples’ feelings, so sometimes asking a trusted friend or colleague to look it over can be helpful for an outside eye.
Practise in a group. I’ve got 2 great options for this!
Big Voices Masterclass is running this July and is a life-changing, 4-week speaking, visibility and confidence course designed to boost your bravery, tune your perspective and give you a powerful voice. This transformative training within a safe and empowered environment, provides you with a structured, systematic approach to speaking that extends to multiple areas of your life.
My bi-weekly (every other week) group Fearless Growth Community does this very thing! It’s hard to find people you can both feel comfortable with and trust to practise new communication models, and that’s why this group was born. (Note: there are prerequisites to join, but if you’re curious, shoot me an email for more details!)
Just remember that these shifts take time, dedication and practise. The more you try, the better you’ll become, and the more comfortable you’ll feel being assertive and confident!
I’d love to know in the comments whether or not you’ve worked on being assertive before, and had it feel completely aggressive. What did you do?
——————————
Want to work with me? Email me and let’s make a plan!
——————————
Did you like this blog post? I have so many more! Look below to browse through the recent ones, or just click here to see ‘em all!
