It’s not you, it’s them.
Kamala Harris’ face and how to deal with bias and centuries of patriarchy.
If you’re like me, you took a gummy Tuesday night [September 10, 2024] and casually decided to watch the Harris/Trump debate.
I tuned in about 10-15 minutes after it started, and noticed something immediately: she was winning. Like, really winning.
She was strong. She was prepared. She got slightly flustered every once in a while, but recovered, and kept coming back even stronger than before.
He was a disaster. His answers were transparent and avoidant.
What’s happening in Gaza? Would never have happened under his Presidency.
Immigrants? Pouring in and eating your pets. Getting trans surgery in prison.
She called him weak, said he’d be eaten for lunch and that around the world, he is an embarrassment to their country as world leaders see him for the clown that he is.
And she let us know, through non-verbal communication, how we should be feeling about what he was saying.
You know - like a normal human.
Now, I’ve been doing public speaking coaching, mostly with women and non-binary folks, for over a decade, so I shouldn’t have been surprised, but when I logged on to X this morning, I got activated by a tweet.
“Kamala Harris made those facial expressions during every Senate hearing. Not sure why none of her debate prep coaches told her to stop that.”
And this is after we know that Trump has been suggesting that she’s lying about being Black. That folks [Megyn Kelly] have been suggesting she slept her way to the top. Her childlessness has been brought up over and over again [despite her being a stepparent for years].
Here she is. The first Black Vice President. The Presidential candidate. And we’re talking about her face. We’re calling her “Kamala” sometimes. Have you ever heard anybody say “Donald”?
Why is this so important?
Why is it so important to talk about how people are talking about Kamala Harris’ face in this past debate? Because it shows just how much scrutiny women face over men (and that’s before we sub-categorize into race/disability/gender expression/neurodiversity etc).
And this is important because it stops people from going for leadership roles. It stops people from getting on stages. It stops people from applying for better jobs. It stops people from advocating for themselves. Bias against women’s voices is absolutely real and we’re watching it in real time.
Fear of judgment is the number one fear from the women and non-binary folks that I work with. Fear of getting cancelled. Of gaslighting. Of opinions and gossip and hushed tones in the boardroom.
You’re right. It’s not you, it’s them.
Pay attention to how powerful women are being talked about right now. Politics brings out gut reactions, and you can see where the roots of patriarchy are still strong. So when you worry if you’re imagining bias against you, you aren’t. It’s there and right now we can see it.
Whenever I’m doing my Speaking With Power workshop to a group, I always ask this question: “Who here has walked into a room and suddenly felt all eyes on you, and felt a vibe, like you weren’t wanted there?”
Most folks who fall under the “other” umbrella, like women, non-binary or gender expansive folks, 2SLGBTQIA+ folks, disabled folks, neurodiverse folks, disabled folks, and especially folks who are Black, Indigenous, Hispanic, Asian and other people of color, raise their hands.
And then I ask “And once you get that feeling, who here thinks it’s all in their head?”
Most of the hands stay up.
And then I say this: “First of all, it’s not in your head. Your voice has been disparaged for centuries. [Read Mary Beard’s book Women and Power where she shares early negative remarks about women not being welcome in the forum and leadership roles. Words like “barking” and “yapping” are used, and women who did well, only did so because they didn’t present like other women.']
We have proof in stone that certain folks were not considered worthy of public speaking or leadership. These biases go back hundreds and hundreds of years. It’s not in your head.”
But… you’re not about to erase centuries of patriarchy in one setting. You have to decide ahead of time that some folks won’t think you’re worthy, and you have to ignore them and show up in your full power, regardless.
What to do.
Knowing that in advance, knowing how you’ll respond, can mean that you’re not flustered, that you’re clear about your goals for this situation, and that you are going to be the powerful and articulate person they won’t be expecting.
Take public speaking training so that you know how to carry your body with authority, how to breathe to stay calm, how to find a powerful and resonant voice, and how to read from a script so that you are connecting with your audience and not sounding like a robot. [Need some help with this? Grab my free public speaking guide.]
Call out the bs when it comes up and make clear boundaries: “Thanks, Marty - you’ve interrupted me a few times and I’ll be taking questions at the end”; “Emily, I need you to explain what you meant by that comment”; “I’ll be happy to take comments on my research, but I won’t be taking questions about my personal life or my personal experience”.
It’s time for non-traditional leaders to take their earned places in power. It’s time for non-traditional voices and ideas to be heard.
It’s time for change.
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Share in the comments the different ways you’ve noticed how folks are talking about Harris vs Trump. Bonus points for links!
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