Confidence Vs. Bravado
What Does Confidence Look Like?
I couldn't hold this topic in any longer. I've been sitting on it for months (if not years). It has to do with leadership and it has to do with how we see others, and how we see ourselves.
(Make sure you check out my 2 free guides at the bottom to get started on your own work!)
And it's difficult. And it's going to piss some of you off.
But honestly, I'm walking straight into my fears this year. (I'm still working through wanting everyone to like me.)
After what we saw happen yesterday in the United States (on January 6, 2021), it's time for all of us to own who we are, what we stand for, and move towards where we collectively need to go.
We ALL need to step the fuck up, speak up, rise up.
Confidence Vs. Bravado
Way way back when I had started to see clients outside of the University where I'd been practising my coaching, I was starting to really solidify my coaching philosophy. What I believed in, what I wanted to achieve, how I wanted to support people.
And something became apparent to me straight away: there is a certain type of leadership/speaking style that is ruining the world. And that people have bought into for so long that it's become the paradigm for what strong leadership looks like. Here are some examples:
loud
charismatic
charming
great debating skills
extroverted
energetic
overpowering
intimidating physical presence
(Sounds like a lot of our exes, right?)
People eat this shit up! They take it as axiomatic that somebody who embodies those attributes will make a strong leader.
Know what we don't see on that list? Stuff that counts.
intelligence
values
leadership education
authenticity
humility
honesty
integrity
sense of right and wrong/justice
community minded
And the "leadership style" from the first list - what we've traditionally viewed as characteristics of strong leadership - lead us to what happened in the United States yesterday:
White Supremacy.
The anti-values, the gaslighting, the humiliating, the put downs, the "bending the rules because I can", the "them vs. us", the "you'd better not take a knee for what you believe in" but "you'd better storm the Capitol for what you believe in". It's obvious, it's disgusting and it's, frankly, evil.
Part of what a lot of people find difficult about building their speaking and visibility skills is that they think they need to embody the traits from the first list. That being a charismatic extrovert is what makes a good leader.
And so when they try that on, it doesn't fit. In fact, it feels terrible. So they ditch the whole idea all together.
And here's why: values.
Talking vs. Debating
I've been asked to judge a lot of debating events. And I always refuse.
Want to know why?
Anybody can learn gaslighting. Anybody can learn how to sound smart and to sound sure of themselves. Anybody can speak loudly and talk over other people. Anybody can ditch their principles and learn how to fight for the winning side.
And that's what great debaters end up doing. They learn the "tricks" to "win". They don't care about what the actual debate is about - where their values lie. (I mean, some of them do, don't get me wrong - but by its very nature, debating is being skilled in arguing for whatever side you're given, and that is a dangerous "skill" to exalt.)
These attributes have been given value since the forums. We're talking thousands of years.
Know who were purposefully kept out of the forums? The original growth incubator for spectacular Orators? You do know. It's women. (It's Black people, Indigenous people, all people of colour, all non-binary people, all people who don't fit neatly into a category.)
And why? Mary Beard's book Women and Power goes into great detail, but essentially, women's voices were too shrill, women weren't smart enough and women didn't hold enough presence.
And now we see bravado pretending to be confidence on social media everywhere.
I even see it in values-minded people. It's the difference between authenticity vs people pleasing.
People think that showing up means embodying extroverted, bombastic energy. And for like 99% of us, it is not a good look. (Because it's fake!)
Here's how you know if somebody is wearing a mask (vs being themselves): you feel it in your gut.
Oh come ooooon.
"UGH Megan, 'trust your gut'? What does that even mean?"
It means exactly that. You know when somebody is lying, or is manipulating the truth. In the same way, you know when your child is genuinely upset. Conversely, when they see you reacting to that, often their cry will change as they push it. You see it in adults, too - pushed emotions.
Your gut is the place where all of your ways of knowing come together. Your learned knowledge, your emotional centre and your intuition. It takes everything into account, and gives you information.
Dogs trust their gut. Babies trust their gut. And we adults have been so manipulated, over and over again, through our political leaders, through advertising, through social norms - that we don't know what the fuck is going on. We have to spend time, get quiet, turn everything off - just to get back to a place where we already had been.
In our weird world where facts and rationality are valued but emotional intelligence is not, where winning an argument is better than everybody trying to really understand each other, it's no wonder that money drives the boat and actual people are left to suffer.
But I digress.
For those of you who are really struggling to find your voice, who feel dizzy and panicky when you have to speak up, who would rather eat bugs than do an Instagram Live to build your business: don't give up. How you thought you had to be is not how you need to be.
You just need to be you. (you be you. ubu.)
And, like, that ain't easy. I know it. I'm still learning how to be myself and I'm 46!
But with some tools (standing, breathing, speaking, reading), some introspection (shadow work) and some experience (taking small steps moving forward), you can do the hard things. You can speak up when it's your turn. You can speak at the conference.
As yourself.
Confidently.
Not with bravado. But with actual confidence, which comes from within.
And all of that simply takes time. And some bravery.
And we all have to start stepping into that, because collectively, we need to rebuild what good leadership looks like. We have to drive up the value of integrity. We have to sniff out bullshit when we see it.
Want to work together on this? Check out my Dynamic Presence coaching package.
You in? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
ps here are my 2 free resources to help you if you aim to move forward:
Free Speaking Guide
Free Shadow Work Guide
