Coming out in you 40s… Why bother?
When I was in grade school, I watched an episode of Degrassi Jr. High where there was a rumour that Ms. Avery was a lesbian. (And, truth be told, in my mind she did come out, but in looking over old Degrassi Wikis, it was just a rumour.)
At the time I thought “PLEASE don’t let this happen to me!”, and there was literally no reason for me to think this aside from anticipating the additional bullying I would receive. I didn’t like the way people were behaving when they assumed she was a lesbian, and back in the 1980s, we didn’t have a lot of exposure to folks within the LGBTQ+ community.
Like… none.
All through my life, I kept coming back to that episode and this deep rooted fear…
“Am I a lesbian?” I’d ask myself over and over and over (and over) again.
I’d always exclusively dated (and loved!) men, and so eventually, whatever fear I had was dispelled and I got on with my life. Married a man. Had a kid.
And then a few things happened in succession.
My friend/coach Erika Tebbens talked about being bisexual on Instagram, but not realizing it until recently because she was married to a man.
I was scrolling through TikTok, and one of the videos in my feed said (I paraphrase): “If you’re seeing this video, you’re probably in your 40s, a Mom and in a heteronormative, committed relationship. You think you might be bisexual, but why bother because it won’t change anything.”
I kept pulling the Gertrude Stein oracle card from the Literary Witches Oracle Deck (from Taisia Kitaiskaia's book with drawings by Katy Horan), and I knew it was because I had to address this question once and for all.
And then, it all clicked. I didn’t have to use one of the existing labels (none of which fit). I could say queer and get on with my life.
Nothing Will Change
There were a lot of reasons why I tried to talk myself out of coming out, once I realized that I could be queer and not need a definitive label. And here they are, some of them are a bit sensitive to me, but I’m sharing it because… well I’ll get to that in a minute.
I’m not cool enough to be queer.
People will think I’m being dramatic (as usual). “Oh god, is she queer, now?”
I didn’t want my husband to worry that I would leave him. Or that I was somehow different than who he thought I was.
I didn’t want to talk to people about it.
I knew nothing would change, so why bother? I could know, and wouldn’t that be enough?
I didn’t want to face discrimination. (UGH talk about privilege.)
I had a lot of internalized homophobia (see the story about about Degrassi Junior High) that made me feel weird about the whole thing.
Visibility
So why even bother? Why share any of this with you at all?
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I’ve been practising a kind of shadow work for the last few years. A lot of that was unearthing old, mucky feelings from my past that didn’t get dealt with in a healthy way.
Once I realized that I identified as a queer person, there was no turning back. It was part of who I am, and I embrace myself fully. And it felt disingenuous to keep it quiet, because I knew that a) somebody else probably needed to hear it [as I had from Erika and that TikTok); b) leaning into your true self is liberating, even when it’s uncomfortable; and c) It felt important, from a community standpoint, to show the variety of people who identify as queer. It felt shitty to avoid potential discrimination just because I didn’t have to.
No right or wrong
The only right way to come out is the way that you want to, if you want to. Visibility is important, but so is your privacy and your boundaries. (There are differing opinions on that, but that’s mine.)
And so even though it all felt clunky, awkward and strange, I knew it was going to be an important piece to my own shadow work and accepting myself fully. All of the good and wonderful stuff, and all of the murky other stuff.
And now, a couple of years later, I know for sure that it was the right decision. Because I am so much more myself than I ever have been. It’s not solely because I was finally able to put the pieces of my puzzle together, but it’s definitely a large part. And the commitment to myself, and to who I am, has deepened.
And that’s good for me, and good for everybody who interacts with me.
Happy Pride Month!
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Did you come out late? If you feel like sharing, I’d love to know in the comments!
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