Speaking as Liberation

Apr 25

Hello, my name is Megan Hamilton and I am not a therapist. Sometimes I talk about concepts that can be triggering, or that have greater implications for folks who’ve suffered from trauma, and where I’m not going to be getting too heavy here, I will be talking about some of the ways that speaking has changed my life (and how I believe it can change yours, too).

Some of the examples might be triggering. (Mostly about childhood bullying.) I won’t be talking about things like sexual assault or physical abuse.

And again, this is not going to be particularly heavy, but hey, sometimes we’re feeling sensitive and would appreciate the heads up.

Don’t forget to scroll down to the bottom for a list of tools and options that can help with your liberation!

My Biggest Fear

I’m going to share with you a story that, at one point, was impossible to tell. It was the worst thing that happened to me up until that point (in grade 8), and it summed up a period of continued emotional bullying by folks I went to school with.

I dealt with this with a therapist, and do not recommend dealing with stuff like this alone. (The very act of speaking, is often of speaking to another person.) And if you’re thinking “I’m tough, I just want to do it on my own”, then that could mean you’re avoiding seeing a therapist because you know how much shit you’re going to have to deal with. (And I don’t blame you because it’s hard. But it’s worth it.)

So long story short, in grade 2 I fell from the monkey bars onto my face (shoutout to Christine Mao who helped me to the school office because I passed out). I scraped up half my face. The movie Clash of the Titans had just come out. I earned the nickname Medusa.

And it continued for years. In grade 8 I started to feel faint a lot (I now know my vagus nerve was trying to protect me from prolonged stress) and was developing what would later become full blown panic attacks. I also started to shave my legs and armpits and bikini line because that’s what everyone was doing.

I happened to tell a girl (and I really should have known better since she’d told everyone when I’d got my period, but…) and she told the boys who were the main sources of the bullying and cue to the day I couldn’t talk about until I was in my 20s.

Spoiler Alert - this is likely not going to be as “bad” as you think.

I arrived at school and suddenly there was a group of boys surrounding me. I don’t remember what they were saying, but I do remember they had found out that I shaved my bikini line and I got forced into a brick doorway/vestibule corner with my face to the bricks. The boys throwing disposable razors at me.

(Hilariously, years later, the dude who bought the razors and had organized this whole thing, came to my work and starting talking about it to me as a “Can you believe the stuff I did to you? hahaha” conversation.)

Stuck in my mouth

Here’s the thing: for years, I could not tell that story. To anyone. I don’t even think I told my parents. There was so much wrapped up in there - the years of blows to my self esteem from this crowd of people, the embarrassment of the topic, the stupidity I felt for telling that girl.

It was not the only story - there were so many others. But for some reason, this one was stuck inside.

I knew it was time to say it out loud, years later, with my therapist (who ended up being drunk in our sessions - check out this episode of ubu pod for details), but it took a lot to get it out of my mouth. It was so hard to say it.

But then, I did. Like, I just did it.

And it immediately lost its power.

Your voice is your power

One of the things I like to help clients with, if they’re feeling like they’re trapped in certain situations where people are bullying them, perpetually interrupting them, playing passive-aggressive games with them, gaslighting them (you get the idea) is to name it.

“You’ve interrupted me several times, and I’ll ask you to stop. You can ask questions when I’m finished speaking.”

“The way you said that seemed different than the words you were saying. Can you explain?”

“The way you’re speaking to me feels like you’re trying to shut me down, and I’ll ask you to speak to me in a respectful way or else this conversation is over.”

What happens when we name it? It dismantles the other person’s power tactic. They’re banking on the fact that they’re going to disempower you with shame or fear, but when you notice and name it? It can be the quickest form of liberation you’ll ever feel.

Now that’s not to say that the other person won’t then, in embarrassment, lash out in another way, or deny their behaviour. And at that point you have the choice of whether or not you’ll continue with that conversation/presentation or not.

Show us your tits!

Yep, that’s what somebody once shouted at me during a concert. And I’ve got about zero fucking time for stuff like that, so I stopped the show. I said “Excuse me, did you just shout out ‘show us your tits’ to me?” He sheepishly said he did.

So I said I wouldn’t continue playing until he left.

It was awkward, I wanted to crawl into a hole and never play music again, but I had to stand my ground on this.

The bartender came out from behind the bar, escorted the dude out, and apologized to me. And I continued (somehow, haha).

I won’t stay in this room while you’re yelling

Another example is from a former workplace. I was an assistant for a difficult person that everyone was always frustrated with because they didn’t get their work in on time. So people talked to me about it. Or, in this case, yelled.

I was called into the office of one of the top level managers at my former workplace and she started to yell at me over something the aforementioned person hadn’t handed in. I was having none of it. I said “You’re yelling at me, and I won’t stay in this room while you’re yelling at me.” And I calmly left.

(Yeah me! Right?)

She came to my office and apologized, and I accepted and that was that. And she never yelled at me again.

You can leave

That’s something else I like to remind my clients: you can leave. (Again, this is not in reference to folks in violent situation, or who are stuck in complicated and abusive workplaces because they have to feed their families.) Of course, we all have the freedom to leave, but the results can be devastating.

However, one of the ways that I can calm down before a difficult situation is to remind myself that I can leave. I am worth more than whatever gaslighting, yelling or abuse of any kind is being sent my way. And for some people (a few clients have relayed this back to me), that permission is life changing.

Voldemort

In this case, I’m deciding not to name the TERFy author of this book, but just like in the Harry Potter series, not saying Voldemort gives Voldemort all of the power.

But that doesn’t make it easy to say his name! Especially when you’ve been told not to say it your whole life, and you’re petrified of him.

A former client of mine, Danielle, told me that after taking the Big Voices Masterclass, she felt brave enough to call out racist behaviour at a gas station. She named it. She said it out loud.

And if you’re thinking to yourself that there’s no way you could ever be that brave, then maybe it would help to know that I think you can. And also ask yourself: why not? You’ve done hard things (hello 2 years of pandemic for starters). And if the only answer is that you’re telling yourself you can’t… what if you tell yourself you can? (Have you seen my TikTok about how to change old stories about yourself?)

Again, I’m not trying to flippantly say that this is easy (and I know that there are so many nuanced situations), but it would be a good idea to figure out what exactly is stopping you from being able to call out bullshit, or abuse, when you experience it. Because on the other side of that?

Is freedom. Is your liberation.

They’re counting on you to shut up. But you don’t have to.

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Need some tools to get you there? I got you!

Here is a free speaking guide with a 4 part system that helps you know exactly what to do to prepare to call shit out.
Here is a free shadow work workbook to help you get to the root of why it’s so hard for you to speak up and stand up for yourself.

And if you want to really get into it, consider my Dynamic Presence 3 month coaching package.