You Are Not One Thing
Something I’ve been noticing lately, with clients and friends alike, is our ability to pigeonhole ourselves into not doing things because we are ______________________ (<— fill in the blank with a disparaging thought about yourself).
I can’t speak up at work meetings, I am shy.
I could never be a teacher - I’m not confident.
I didn’t apply for that job. I’m not the kind of person who enjoys change.
I don’t handle conflict very well, I am sensitive.
I’m willing to bet that somewhere along the way, the stereotype of yourself was how somebody else described you. And it stuck.
The truth is: we can be many things at any given time. As I said to a client recently, “What if you aren’t the shy person today? What if, today, you are the person who is comfortable speaking in front of a crowd?”
Sometimes, it’s so difficult to see ourselves outside of the box we’ve created, that we can’t even imagine letting go of that image - even if it doesn’t fit!
For example, I remember in grade 5, it was popular to say you looked bad - even if you didn’t feel that way! You were “conceited” if you liked how you looked. It became a habit to speak disparagingly about yourself, so that you could fit in.
When I was older, I realized that I had become so used to that behaviour, that it had become part of how I presented myself - even when, truthfully, I didn’t really see myself that way. My internal voice didn’t match up with my true feelings. It was the epitome of cognitive dissonance. But it took a long time - it still is a challenge - to move past that because the habit of negative self talk is so ingrained.
If you suggest to me that you’re not brave, right after you’ve just read a speech out loud to me for practise, that’s not the case! Courage isn’t the absence of fear - it’s the trust in yourself that no matter what happens, you’ll be able to get through whatever it is you’re working towards. Courage doesn’t mean flawless, or even confident.
One of the ways that we can move past this internal stereotype we’ve developed is by pretending to wear masks. “Today, I’m going to be the teacher who isn’t shy.” “Today, I’m the co-worker who contributes at meetings.” Sometimes, if you’re trying on a mask that other people around you aren’t used to, you might face some comments or some expressions of surprise. Anticipate that, shrug it off and keep going. What if it’s easier than you think? (What if it isn’t??) Make yourself a promise that no matter what, you’ll try.
The understanding that people are capable of changing their behaviour has positive effects. This study from 2013 showed that kids who were victims of bullying were less likely to feel victimized or show aggressive tendencies if they were taught that even bullies are capable of incrementally changing their behaviour.
And the same can go for ourselves. You are not always the negative things you think about yourself. And slowly allowing yourself to try on different hats, to speak kindly to yourself internally and say “what if” instead of “I can’t” will open up several doors that once may have appeared to be closed.
And if we’re going to put ourselves into boxes, let’s at least make them positive boxes. “I’m the person who tries new things?” “I’m the person who struggles with confidence, but still tries to speak up at meetings, despite of that.”
What do you think? Let me know in the comments, or email me at megan@ubuskills.com.
