Why I Hate “Persuasion”
Buckle up, ‘cuz I’m still pissed from an experience from last week and it perfectly explains why I hate persuasion/tactics/rhetoric/debate and I think they’re classist tools of oppression used by the patriarchy.
How’s that for a fiery opening line?
Flights and Fights
Last week, my husband and I went to Barbados. He was working, and it was the first vacation I’ve had since the pandemic. And it was a total dream (though, even in a dream, you still carry your shit with you.)
On the flight home, we couldn’t get seats together, which was a bummer, but we were both on the aisle, separated by one seat, so we could chat/make eye contact. With Covid and flying combined, there was some anxiousness.
Before taking off, a woman a few seats up turned around, locked eyes with me and said: “Can I switch seats with you?” Something about her tone seemed demanding, so I said “Sorry, I’d like to stick close to my husband.”
That wasn’t enough for her. She said “You’re sitting beside my family, and we want to be together.” (I was beside her son and husband.)
I got it, but I didn’t want to move further away from my husband. But before I had a chance to speak, she was standing up and gathering her things, saying “Thank you so much.”
As I sat there wondering what was happening, I realized she was running through the very persuasion techniques I teach in my Acting for Real Life course at St. Lawrence College.
She’d already used direct and assertive language and eye contact. When that didn’t work, she turned to gaslighting/ignoring my clear response.
She then got the attention of the folks around her, while picking up her coat “It’s so hard not to be with your family.” (Get the sympathy of the majority.)
At this, I just decided it wasn’t worth it. I dwant to get into a fight about this with her son beside me (another slimy move on her part).
As her flowery “thank you so much”s kept rolling off her tongue, I said “Yeah, and now I’m moving further away from my family.”
And she said “You’re such a champion! I appreciate it so much!”
Seething Rage
Like. Oof. I’m moving for you, lady, because of your awful tactics, but don’t patronize me. Right? Just be honest?
And it suddenly felt like every situation I’ve ever been in where somebody is trying to “persuade” me to do something.
This is why small business owners have a hard time talking about their product or service - they’re worried about sounding like this woman.
It’s gross. It’s sleazy, it’s dishonest, it’s the epitome of gaslighting.
And it works.
Don’t Do It
When I teach persuasion to my college kids, the first thing I do is tell them to use the following information for good and not for evil.
These are the tactics and techniques that were developed in the early days of the forums in Greece. These are the ways that high school and University debate teams learn how to “win” their “arguments”. Watch any political debate, and you’ll see that they’re not saying anything, just using different tactics to win.
That’s not communication. That’s oppression. That’s gaslighting. And it’s a crappy way to go about your life.
And it’s impossible to play fair in that kind of sleazy exchange. The more authentic or vulnerable you are, the more they push.
We’ve all been there. We all know how it feels.
The Secret Weapon
The good news is that you have one thing they need: engagement. When you take that away, there’s no more debate. No more argument.
And that’s exactly what I did with that woman. Because 5 minutes later, she came to my seat, started massaging my arm (ew!) and said “I can’t thank you enough, may I please buy you a beer?”
She felt guilty for her behaviour.
But it’s not my job to make her feel better. I was angry, and as much as the old people-pleasing me wanted to make this better, I also didn’t want anything to do with her.
So I said “No.”
And that was that.
Now, you might be thinking “She just wanted to sit with her family.”
And on the surface, sure. She did. And I don’t blame her. And her kid had a parent, and I wanted to be close to my own. (And I get to want things, too!)
And honestly, if it hadn’t begun with such an obvious use of persuasion, I would have been less frustrated by her behaviour and likely would have said yes (instead of having yes said for me… by her.) But the more tactics she used, the more my skin crawled.
White Supremacy
What does this have to do with oppression and white supremacy? Trudi Lebron is doing some incredible work around dismantling racism, and unearthing some of the bullshit tactics (the ones that make you want to take a shower) that are used by those in power to continue to get what they want.
But these very tactics - persuasion, debate, rhetoric, overpowering (loudness), veiled threats - all of these are used to keep things status quo. To shut people down. To take away their voices.
Well fuck that.
Do Not Engage
So how do you argue with somebody who won’t play fair?
You don’t. You walk away.
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How do you handle it when you know you’re being “played”? Let me know in the comments!
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And if you want to start building your toolbox so that you can learn how to say no, and walk away, check out my Big Voices Masterclass. It’s a 4 week speaking, visibility and confidence course running in May, 2022.
Check it out and apply today to join this incredible group!
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