Is Potential Rejection Worth the Risk?
The fear of rejection can be debilitating, and can stop us from doing a lot of stuff. Especially stuff that can help us grow.
Is that a fair hypothesis/thesis?
As a former people pleaser I had a weird couple of weeks that have challenged my relatively new found freedom from fear of rejection/abandonment. This is something I’ve worked on my entire life (fear of abandonment or rejection shows up in so many annoying ways for me, as I’m sure it does for you.)
And also, as a former people pleaser/somebody who needs to feel understood, I am forcing myself not to write out the details of why I’ve been challenged. And perhaps some of you might relate to that as well - the urge to tell every detail of a story to “get somebody on your side” so that you don’t feel isolated.
But I don’t need you to understand. It doesn’t change what happened or how I feel about what happened. It would give my nervous system temporary relief from the stress (hey look everyone agrees with me!), but that stress is my own to work through, and this is another opportunity for growth.
What is Rejection?
What I’ve been trying to do is assess what rejection IS for me (again, because fears and stuff that lives in our shadow are not always easy to understand).
Is rejection when I pitch a workshop to a potential client and they say no? (My brain could say: your pitch sucks, you suck, the work you do sucks.)
Is rejection when a client doesn’t do their homework? (My brain could say: you’re terrible at your job and these people don’t want to do your stupid work.)
Is rejection when I don’t hear back from somebody? (My brain could say: they don’t think you’re worth the bother of a reply.)
The truth is, we have no idea why people are making the choices that they are, and the other truth is that normally, it has very little to do with us personally.
And before, my brain would run wild coming up with all kinds of reasons why I was being rejected, even going so far as to make up stories that folks hate me and signed up to work with me to spite me.
(If you’re new around here, I was bullied as a kid for several years by school kids, and so my go to is always to a) assume that everyone dislikes me and b) come up with wild reasons why people make choices so that I can be angry with their bad decisions and feel better about their perceived rejection.)
The Work Takes Work
Thankfully, I’m no longer a kid. I have years of therapy, years of practised shadow work and a dedication to not let these abandonment/fear responses be the way I handle things (even if they come up loud like gangbusters right off the bat).
And it can be a lot of work in the beginning. Because when these feelings come on, they’re fast, and you have to get on top of them before they take over. Your nervous system is likely in a continuous state of stress response, is on “high alert”, and managing that requires dedication and energy.
It also requires a recalibration of your relationship with your intuition. After years of things like bullying, gaslighting, bad relationships, weird teachers with power drama, mean bosses (any of this sounding familiar?), you might have broken your tight bond with your intuition because what your insides were telling you was not matching what others were telling you.
And learning how to trust yourself again can take time.
Reframing
Because we don’t actually know what’s going on in somebody else’s mind, and because our brains often want to protect us so will revert to previous ways of handling what we perceive as rejection, we can choose to change our perspective. (Again, this ain’t just easy breezy done-in-a-day work. This could look like therapy, shadow work, medication, counseling.. over years.)
And what could that look like? This decision to change your perspective?
Is rejection when I pitch a workshop to a potential client and they say no? (My brain could say: your pitch sucks, you suck, the work you do sucks. My brain could ALSO say: they don’t have the funds/capacity/need for my workshop at this time.)
Is rejection when a client doesn’t do their homework? (My brain could say: you’re terrible at your job and these people don’t want to do your stupid work. My brain could ALSO say: they could be overwhelmed and could use a check in.)
Is rejection when I don’t hear back from somebody? (My brain could say: they don’t think you’re worth the bother of a reply. My brain could ALSO say: maybe they didn’t see your email, it’s worth reaching out again.)
How Do You Want To See The World?
There’s a great story from Brené Brown (that I can’t find exactly, but this one is similar) about how her husband gave his students a take home test (I am really possibly making up the details here but the outcome is the same) and told them that they weren’t allowed to use google or any notes when they were writing the test. And she said “Are you crazy? How do you know they won’t cheat?” and he said “Because I want to live in a world where I can trust people, so I’m choosing to trust them.”
Mic drop. End of story.
And it’s how I’ve also chosen (to try) to live my life. And let me be honest with you that I’m not great at it. But I’m a lot better than I used to be.
I do actually give my students a test that they write at home and I have no idea if they use google, or previous notes, but I ask them not to, and I want to live in a world where we can trust each other.
I recently saw a gofundme for a young fellow who needed eye surgery. I have no idea if this campaign is vetted or not, but I chose to believe it was true. So I donated. And even told others to donate. And then it reached it’s campaign goal and immediate was raised by 20%.
And that tested my trust.
But do you know what me not being able to trust things says about me? Simply that I don’t want to get duped. And why is that? Because I don’t want to look stupid. And why is that? Because I have an ego that gets bruised when people think I’m stupid.
Aha. Ego for the win. (The paragraph above is an example of how I practise shadow work, and if you don’t have my free Shadow Work workbook, you can grab it here - I’ve heard from so many folks that they’ve found it helpful, and maybe you will, too.)
And what is the core of rejection/abandonment? Ego. And how do I normally react to a bruised ego? Anger. Victim mentality. Demonizing the other person to make myself feel better.
And if I’ve chosen to view the world as a good place where people can be trusted, then I need to do the shadow/ego work to get there. Because right now my neural pathways lead to the first thing that will make me feel better, which is making the other person into a jerk and me into an angel.
Short Term Pain For Long Term Gain
Where in your life are you holding back from putting yourself out there because of a fear of rejection? How can you break things down to understand the core roots of where this fear is coming from, what it’s really attached to, and how you can disentangle yourself from old ways of thinking so that you can move forward.
I should say this, too - I trust you. I believe that you’re capable of doing this work. I know for some of you it’s harder than others (especially if you’ve dealt with systemic oppression, abuse and other forms of violence). And I also trust that you’ll know what’s right for you and get mental health supports in place for yourself if you have bigger stuff that needs attention.
What is hard in the moment is often going to make your life easier years from now.
We are also dealing with: 2 years of a pandemic; the horrible war in Ukraine; elevated racist hate crimes; divide and politicization of public health directives; laws that are intended to dehumanize LGBTQ+ folks, especially Trans folks. So our nervous systems are a little bit frayed.
How Do You Start?
The first thing to do is notice. Notice how your body typically reacts to perceived rejection. And then start to break it down. Similar to the questions I asked myself above, and thinking overarchingly of “What Do I Want To Believe About The World”?
This is not advocating spiritual bypassing, by the way. This isn’t pinkwashing everything with “good vibes only” sentiments. On the contrary - if feelings come up, feel them! But be curious about them - where are they coming from? Where are they really coming from? What is true? What is a story I’m telling myself? What other story could I tell myself so that I don’t have to feel like shit?
And then begin to retrain your brain to stop jumping to conclusions in its neverending (and quite frankly often wrong) quest of protecting us from potential harm.
And this is some of the core work required to get past your speaking fears. Your fear of applying for a job you aren’t sure if you’re qualified for. Your fear of speaking up at work to be told you’re wrong. Your fear of telling your Mother in Law to stop just popping in, that you would like a heads up first.
This is some of the work we’ll be covering in the Big Voices Masterclass this May 2022.
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What is one thing you can do today to change your outlook and not let your fear of rejection stop you from learning and growing? What do you want to commit to? (For accountability, you can write it in the comments to speak it into existence!)
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Big Voices Masterclass is a transformational, 4-week speaking, visibility and confidence course designed to boost your bravery, tune your perspective and give you a powerful voice. This supportive and proven training, within a safe and empowered environment, provides you with tools and techniques that extend beyond your career, and into your whole life. By the end of these 4 weeks, you’ll know how to:
⚡ Set and keep boundaries.
⚡ Advocate for yourself.
⚡ Conquer your speaking fears.
⚡ Ask for what you deserve.
⚡ Be yourself.
Apply today to join this incredible group!
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