Growth is Uncomfortable
In my Big Voices Masterclass, I share a little graphic about lobsters and how they grow. You can see it here. (Thanks to the artist “Brad” for this gorgeous and relatable learning tool.)
Basically - growth is uncomfortable. In fact, often painful. It doesn’t feel good.
And many times, we don’t recognize it. We try to stop it. It stimulates our fight/flight/freeze response, so we do everything to slow it down. Avoid the pain.
When what we should be doing is the exact opposite.
Growing Pains
I’ll often hear my daughter calling to me at 3am to let me know she’s got a muscle cramp or spasm, which we attribute to growing pains. Like the lobster, she’s noticing her body getting larger, and she’s experiencing discomfort because of it.
The same is true for personal/inner growth. We don’t just suddenly become amazing at everything we do. (Though, wouldn’t that be incredible?)
I tell my clients not to expect too much of their performance the first time they get in front of an audience. Or the first time they give a presentation. Disagree with a relative at Thanksgiving.
It’s the trying that’s the most important part here. It’s the trying that feels bad. Hard. Unusual. Uncomfortable.
It’s the trying that’s the growth.
Shadow Work
I’m a huge fan of practising shadow work - of bringing light into the stuck bits inside of your subconscious mind, to arrest fear and do some deep, supportive healing.
I even made a course called Digging Up Your Roots - Using Tarot for Shadow Work.
You can’t get rid of your feelings until you get rid of your feelings.
And you have to feel them to get rid of them.
You can’t “high vibes only” your way out of stuck feelings, upsetting memories, embarrassing moments and shame. Sure, you can mask it for a while. And that might even feel good!
But that shit’s not going anywhere, and you can bury it deeper, or let it out. Burying it deeper is a temporary fix to avoid pain. Letting it out is painful now, but then it’s over.
And it’s out.
And it doesn’t contribute any longer to unconscious fears or deep shame.
And it allows you to be more you. Really you. Not just a “highlight reels only” version of yourself, deeply afraid that others are going to find out the truth. (i.e. the truth that you suck)
Levels
The great part about growth is that - there’s always room for it. And if we’re following the lobster metaphor, that means that you can simply keep getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Outgrowing the protective layer that no longer serves you. Exposing yourself, learning, acclimating. Growing new protection.
And again. And again.
Now, sometimes we want to just stay at a certain level. Growth, though valuable, is a lot. It’s the major arcana of the tarot deck of life. It’s exhausting. It’s wonderful.
And it’s ok to space it out. Because joy, being in the moment, experiencing pleasure - those are also valuable ways to spend your time. (Arguably those are the reasons we do the hard stuff.)
But, we can get addicted to the idea of “growth” - that somehow we can speed up the process of… nirvana?… if we just keep pushing and pushing.
If that’s you, then I invite you to ask yourself… what are you chasing? What is the end goal? What happens if you stop and stay still for a while?
How to Know if it’s Growth or if it’s Perfectionism
Growth is putting yourself into uncomfortable situations and allowing yourself to fail (or thrive!) in order to increase your capacity. Perfectionism is chasing some ideal that you’ll never reach in order to avoid being present.
If you felt a bit of a sting at that last sentence, now’s the time to take a look. Can you be ok in the moment? Even if there’s still more to do? Even if it’s not perfect?
I struggle with this!
And then on the other side, I get comfortable. Too comfortable. Complacent. Afraid of feeling uncomfortable again. That’s when I know it’s time to crack the shell.
How do we Move Forward?
If you’re struggling because you’re stuck. Feeling afraid. Avoiding discomfort, then I invite you to ask yourself the following shadow work questions (either in a journal, or just to ponder):
What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid of that? What does it mean if I’m not afraid of that?
What if I embrace the idea that I will feel uncomfortable, and go for it anyway?
What if I don’t have to feel embarrassed as I grow to a new level? What if I don’t care what others think? What if it doesn’t matter? (Really take a minute with that one. Because once you get it, the absolute relief and life changing perspective are worth more than almost anything.)
What if I know it’s going to be hard, if I know I’m going to have to face some inner fears, but I decide to do it anyway so that I can get to the other side?
Presence, leadership, trying new things, following your dreams - all of these things require uncomfortable shape shifting before they feel good.
So what if you decide today that you’re going to experience some temporary discomfort in order to sustain some long term growth? In order to create a better life for yourself? In order to create space to thrive?
You can decide that. And if you need some help, get in touch. I love holding space for folks who are courageously working through their fears and changes. Let me know in the chat the times you’ve chosen temporary pain for longterm happiness!
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