Conflict
Most of us try to avoid it. Some of us actively look for it. It’s the friction, the tension, the uncomfortable… it’s conflict.
How do you deal with conflict? There are so many different styles and techniques, thoughts, navigation procedures. Conflict management is taught in many staff retreats, College courses, and there are even entire companies devoted to it.
How do you feel about it? Do you sense it and tackle it full on? Do you run away and avoid it? Does it depend on where it’s happening - i.e. work or home? Or in a friendship?
What if you had better tools to deal with it?
One of the things I realized a couple of years ago, was that three of the four elements of public speaking (Standing, Breathing, Speaking) are incredibly useful for dealing with conflict.
Here are some of the ways that clients have told me negative ways that they deal with conflict:
They don’t. They’re conflict avoidant. This is useful every once in a while, but similar to not feeling your feelings, the conflict doesn’t disappear. The anger might, but the initial problem remains.
They explode. They become so saturated with stress or anger or sadness, and they have been trying for so long to keep it inside, that eventually the lid flies off the boiling pot, and it all comes out all at once.
They cave. Before even beginning a conversation, they allow the other person to take what they want.
Do any of those sound familiar to you? I’m so guilty of #2 it’s not even funny. I always believed that emotional response should be avoided, and that rational and logical ways of handling difficulty were the only way to properly handle things.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever denied your emotions before, but it’s neither healthy, nor human! And so, when I’d been trying so hard to avoid my nature, it had a way of coming out regardless. And not in any useful manner.
So what can we do?
If you are dealing with somebody who is a challenge. If they do not have self control, if they are inappropriate, if they cause difficulty for you, handle the conflict with care. If you’re at work and you have a superior, it’s best to have it on record. Use somebody else to act as a mediator, and make sure you’re protected. (A long time ago at work, a co-worker didn’t like me. He exploded on me one night, and it looked like it was about to get violent. Thankfully, somebody else stepped in, but it could have become dangerous.) Trust your instinct on this.
Otherwise, take it on. Call it out. And use your tools to stay calm and focused. Here’s how:
Standing
Use your Alexander stance (there’s more on this in my free pubic speaking guide - click the unicorn logo in the top left to take you to the sign up page!). A grounded, energized and open stance signifies strength and confidence. I have used Alexander stance in the middle of conflict before - simply straightened up - and you cannot believe how quickly it diffuses a situation.
Breathing
You know it - practise your controlled breathing. It will keep you calm and focused by reducing the spike of cortisol and adrenaline to your bloodstream. It’s not denying your emotions, but it’s keeping you in control of them so that they don’t control you.
Speaking
Optimum Pitch will allow you to speak confidently and clearly. Ever had a volume war with somebody? Fine! Go for it! Use your optimum pitch so that you’re not harming your voice in the process. And maybe the conflict doesn’t devolve into a screaming match, using your strong voice to present your argument is always going to be effective.
So there you have it - even more reasons to continue to practise your public speaking elements. They will be ready for you whenever you need them.
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Did you find this helpful? Pass it on to a friend! Let me know in the comments below what you think. And if you have any questions, I’m always happy to chat! Email me at megan@ubuskills.com.
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**NEW** Calm Your Nerves! How to Control Your Speaking Anxiety
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