How I Quit Smoking
On July 20, I celebrated 12 years without a cigarette. I snuck my first puff when I was in grade 8, had my first whole cigarette in grade 9 (a Rothman’s that I stole from my Dad) and by the time I was 16, I was buying my own cigarettes and smoking regularly.
Why did I start? Well, that’s a whole big snarl of a knot, isn’t it? I was woefully insecure and smoking made me feel cool. Gave me something to do that was bad. I identified with it. I used it as a prop to explore a side of myself who had created boundaries against my bullies, who ventured out into the unknown, who was daring. Smoking made me feel like a badass, and I would argue that it helped me become a badass.
Once smoking was banned indoors, it gave me an excuse to get outside for a few minutes. Sometimes in a group, but sometimes alone so that I could recharge. An easy out from difficult conversations.
If only it wasn’t so addictive and terrible for your health. And expensive!
1.
The first time I quit, I was 20. At that point I’d smoked for 4 years regularly. I quit cold turkey. I recall it seeming fine at the time, but in retrospect, it gave me clues as to how I would end up actually quitting several years later.
3 years later, I started again. It was my birthday. I was out with friends, having some drinks at a bar. A few people were smoking, and I bummed one from a friend. And that was all it took. One and done, as they say.
2.
The second time I quit, it lasted for 2 years. I started again after a pretty horrible break up with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I equated smoking with self fulfillment, embracing a bold and independent side of myself, reclaiming myself. Smoking made me feel better, and my therapist even said not to worry about it - that I could quit again another time.
3.
The third time I quit, it lasted for 6 months. But this time, I noticed some things.
Quitting smoking meant not sleeping for at least a week.
Quitting smoking made me put on weight quickly.
Quitting smoking made me depressed. Quite depressed. (When I looked back at the three times I’d tried to quit, the overarching theme was despondency and depression.)
Quitting smoking made me have blackouts when I had too many drinks. Those blackouts would occur because I’d done something wrong (usually said the wrong thing - like a secret, or something embarrassing) and I’ve always thought it was my brain’s way of trying to protect me.
4.
So the fourth time I quit, the final time I quit, I was ready. I planned the date in advance. I acknowledged my last cigarette when I smoked it. I made sure I had a little bit of time to go through the sleeplessness. I planned for the depression, and decided to record an album to keep myself busy and my attention on something else. (See Your Midnight Breath in the Shipyard was the record, for those who know my music.) I decided to focus on eating healthy, protein rich foods to try and keep my metabolic rate from plummeting.
When the sadness came, I reminded myself that it wasn’t “real”. It was my body dealing with the absence of smoking. When I couldn’t sleep, I picked up the books that I’d put aside and kept myself busy so that I didn’t lie in bed with brain loop (I ended up actually sleeping better because of it). I think I put on some weight, but oh well.
Experience and Planning (You Can Do Hard Things)
I used my failures, or a better way of looking at it, experiences, and made a plan. I allowed an expanse of time to elapse so that I could gather information, and then when it was time to do it for real, I was ready.
And this is how we have to approach complicated and difficult things. This is how we have to plan for giving a speech, or for standing up for ourselves at work, or for leading a team of bright young minds. Or for parenting. Or applying for a mortgage.
If I were to ask you to tell me 5 things that you wish you could do but feel impossible, what would they be? Do you let yourself think about them, or do you keep them hidden away because it’s painful to think about?
Here’s how you move past the impossible: tally up your experiences. Know what causes your setbacks. Write them down, and be very honest with yourself about how difficult they are for you. It doesn’t matter what the fear is, if you are somebody who seizes up when it comes to talking about money, then that is an obstacle to you, and you need to give it the weight and respect it deserves so that you can actually move past it. (That’s shadow work, which is coming up a lot in my work, and which will be part of a new course I’m developing. I’m so excited.)
This is how we become visible. This is how we show up even when it’s hard. This is how we do difficult, but important things for ourselves. Because it’s rarely easy, it’s generally not perfect on the first try, but it’s almost always possible.
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Wanna talk about this? Yes!! I’d love to. Schedule a 15 minute chat with me (no charge, obviously) to see if we’d be a good match, or leave a comment below - I’ll respond.
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Check out my 60 minute Speaking Essentials workshop on August 11!
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